Roller Coaster

April 24, 2012

It’s been about a little over 5 weeks since I wrote my last post. Wow! What a roller coaster of a ride it has been!

When I have a really good day my improvement is awesome. I am able to stand and sit longer. I have even attempted stairs. :) I still need a lot of help, but I will get there.

 I’m sorry that this blog post is somewhat depressing; I just wanted to put it all down for a record. As I finished writing this blog entry I kept feeling inadequate and discouraged.  Over a couple weeks I realized the reason for that, is I am admitting to myself and those that read that I am struggling. I have felt lost. I have gone back several times to this blog post wondering how I can change it. Anyone who knows me, I tend to keep a lot to myself.  Kent convinced me to post it. I hope that in some way through this experience I will see what I need to learn or know how to overcome these daily battles.

On the very bad days I got to admit, at times I have felt really discouraged. The bad days happen frequently and weekly lasting several days at a time. The weird thing is I will be fine one morning and throughout the day the disease will flare up strong and by that afternoon I won’t be able to move again. It is not very predictable. It comes fast and debilitating. What I consider a bad day, is when the pain is so excruciating that to put my weight on my feet to stand it is unbearable and I scream out a cry of pure agony. Every movement of my joints is sheer torture. I also consider a bad day when I have a temp of 103 or higher accompanied by a migraine. On these days, Kent somehow has to talk some sense into me and get me into the clinic. Once I am at the clinic I soon get that relief again.  I can handle the okay days with aches and minor pains, but these excruciating days I never imagined it would be so hard physically and mentally. When I was severely bed ridden I knew how to tell my mind to survive and keep going, but being beat down over and over again with this roller coaster of good days and bad days mentally I have struggled. I thought my road to getting better was just gaining my muscle back and relearning to move again, which it is to some degree, but boy was I wrong!  I have pondered and thought a lot about how to find that fight in me again and determination to overcome this. I have the will to live; I know that from my experience of almost dying 3 months ago, but that drive to fight through this pain I have to search for. I never imagined a roller coaster of ups and downs for that is the only way I know how to describe it.

As I search for the fight and determination again. I think I am finding it. Heavenly Father has given us reminders that he is there for us. Not only once, but a second time has my bishop received a large amount of money from someone who generously paid for a week of my medical treatment. I have no idea who gave us this money, but it has come at a time when we really didn’t know how we were going to come up with it. It also has come when I have felt so down and discouraged. My weekly treatments are a huge (to me anyways) sum of money and to know that people would do that for us is just so amazing. We just feel so blessed and overwhelmed with gratitude.

 With the outpouring of love in the form of people bringing us meals, cleaning and other service we have received over the months times, I have realized…….because of you, each and every one of you I am getting better. And because of you I am able to fight this daily battle. All I have to do is remember how blessed we are.

Thank you for giving me this 2nd chance at life!

Em